Reflections of an Aching Heart

It’s been 11-months since my wife Dianne passed away. The tears have recently given way to bouts of heart-aching sobs that reflect a deep yearning for the way things ought to be. This longing seems more pronounced as I think of where we were just a year ago. In January 2014 we were already aware that the cancer, that had been held at bay for over two years, would most likely take Dianne’s life; however on February 20th we were given more specific news that left us completely numb, hearing that “There is nothing more we can do”, and that the tumors were not only still present, but were growing rapidly as pancreatic cancer often does. Reading our journal from this time last year brought back a flood of emotions, especially in light of knowing now that we’d have about 1-month left before Dianne would take her last breath.

As I approach the 1-year anniversary of Dianne’s death on March 24th, I pray that I will continue to cherish the memories that we made throughout the years…that I will continue to cultivate hope in the depths of grief….that I will continue to to trust God with a thankful heart.

“The tears have recently given way to bouts of heart-aching sobs that reflect a deep yearning for the way things ought to be.” 

In light of this, I’m also sharing words that I penned 1-year ago as Dianne and I sat by the fire in our den. It seems that many of the issues we wrestled with back then are similar in nature to issues I wrestle with today, and serve as a good reminder of where I find my strength when facing hard times.

Thank you for continued love, prayer and support.

Mark

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“Ramblings” of the Heart — Feb 24, 2014 

There is so much that Dianne and I could share and/or want to share that it makes it hard to share anything… So, I’m just going to try to share a couple things that are currently on my heart/mind while I sit quietly with a cup of coffee by the fire. *(incidentally, the picture I posted with this journal entry reflects where I am most mornings; sitting in our den where Dianne tries to sleep. The den has a bay window facing our backyard where Di and I enjoy watching birds throughout the day.)

The first thing that comes to mind is a discussion Dianne and I had yesterday morning after reading a devotional from ‘Jesus Calling’. The author used passages from Psalm 89 & Hebrews 12 to warn about the danger of “feeling sorry for yourself” (a place where Di and I find ourselves vulnerable lately):

     “BE ON GUARD against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don’t even go near the edge of the pit. Its edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard.
     There are several ways to protect yourself from self-pity. When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me, it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself. Also, the closer you live to Me, the more distance there is between you and the pit. Live in the Light of My Presence by fixing your eyes on Me. Then you will be able to run with endurance the race that is set before you, without stumbling or falling.” (Feb 23 – Jesus Calling, Sarah Young)

This reminder to keep our eyes on Jesus and continue to trust God is SO needed right now. I’m sure you can imagine the “hard discussions” that have come up (or need to be talked about) as we face the inevitable. We could choose to simply ignore these issues and pretend that death is not on the horizon, but we choose to live life knowing the reality of a broken world that has yet to be made right. Dianne and I have always tried to face reality, as hard as it has been to face. The HARD thing about doing that is not becoming FOCUSED on those hard realities…which is SO easy to do and usually ends up in “feeling sorry for myself”. As a family we’ve been fortunate to have others come alongside us during those hard times in life and help balance our focus, reminding us of a God who never changes. The same has been true during the last 30+ months that we’ve faced the hard reality of Dianne’s battle with pancreatic cancer, however keeping a “balance” is still hard to do. With that in mind we cherish your continued thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement!

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*taken from CaringBridge, February 24, 2014   http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/dinemitz/journal/view/id/530b4cfcac7ee949319a3807